Congruence: How Is It Important in Life and Business?

How would you define congruence? How is it important in life and in business?

A mouse click over to Wikipedia tells us this about congruency:

• In Carl Rogers personality theory, the compliance between ideal self and actual self. See Incongruence.
• In psychology and NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming), congruence could be defined as rapport within oneself, or internal and external consistency, perceived by others as sincerity or certainty.
• Mood congruence, in psychiatry refers to congruence between feeling or emotion, and affect display or the manner in which that emotion is being expressed in psychology, consistency between a patient’s symptoms and their mood or mental disorder.

But here’s what’s been on my mind with this concept: Honesty/Integrity is something I have been playing with a lot over the last couple of months, especially within the context of congruence. I have found that congruence incorporates honesty and integrity.

Congruence is when your internal and external stories match. It is what draws me closer to some people and drives a wedge in the relationship with others. It is a constant struggle for me, as I am sure it is with all of us.

However, it is the thing that disappoints me the most about others when I find that the stories they tell about themselves are just not true. Their internal story and external story doesn’t match.

What are your thoughts?

I’ve been asking this question over in some of my LinkedIn Groups, which started an interesting discussion. Here are some of the responses from colleagues:

Cheryl Roshak wrote: Congruity is the quality of agreeing, of being suitable and appropriate if it doesn’t relate to geometry where two objects have the same shape and dimensions. To be honest, I don’t see how it really relates in life and in business all that much because as rational adults we can agree to disagree and not see eye to eye on every issue.

I don’t think it has anything to do with your internal and external stories matching, nor do I really know what that means. It has nothing to do with honesty and integrity. If someone lies to you, they have deceived you and lied to you. Pure and simple. I don’t tolerate dishonesty and liars. What does that have to do with congruence. Perhaps you mean another word?

If I tell you one thing about myself and it is a flat out lie, that had nothing to do with congruence. That some people resonate better with each other than others is true, or feel a simpatico, yes. With some people we just connect better than with others who are not on our wavelength. Doesn’t make them bad people, we just don’t click. That’s why people date many before they finally find the one and marry that one.

And my question to you, how do you know their stories don’t match? Do you go around checking? Getting proof? That shows a lack of trust in people. If it happens to you often, perhaps you are expecting too much from people. Just a thought.

My response follows. Great questions, Cheryl.

Here is what I have observed in working with several thousand people over the last 13 years in personal and professional development situations.

An internal story is what someone tells themselves about themselves. It is how they see themselves through their eyes. The story that they tell others is either how they see their internal story, or how they want their internal story seen. That still sounds confusing, so let’s give an example.

I have a colleague that talks really big. His external story is one of success, intentional living and goal accomplishment. He talks about all of the people he has met, and the lives he has changed, and how he is consistent with that picture.

However, he isn’t always living that way. He has had consistent relationship issues, has not had the success he envisions himself having, and finds hundreds of ways to get sidetracked.

His internal story doesn’t match the external one. And in that moment, he has a very strong need to “be seen as” something different. He spends a great amount of time building a carefully constructed persona to match the “must be seen” person he has created. Yet, he knows the truth, and feels the lack of congruence.

The way it comes out is a need to dominate professional conversations, get defensive when challenged, be suspicious of others’ successes and fall back on dogma instead of experience. The more he “must be seen as” the less he becomes seen that way, and he ends up turning away the very people he would like to attract.

The internal story and external stories don’t match, and the lack of congruence is jarring. When you learn the truth, you can’t help be disappointed.

Another example is the politician who espouses family values and then sends inappropriate pictures of himself to other women, and then vehemently denies it. Or the governor who chases his “soul mate” at the expense of his long suffering wife, and then gets called on it. The lack of congruence is disheartening, and ends up jading those that believed in the person in the first place.

No, I don’t go around checking. I have a number of friends and colleagues who I trust, as their actions and words have always matched up. I can count on them to be true to their word.

I would ask you a question back. Have you been disappointed by someone that you held in high esteem? What disappointed you? Could it have been a lack of congruence on their part?

Thanks so much for your response. It is a great conversation, and I would be happy to continue it.

Francisco Laborde wrote:

“Always speak the truth, think before you speak, and write it down afterwards.”
Lewis Carroll

You may be expecting too much. Why would other people be congruent? … consistent, transparent or honest …

I try not to make promises I can’t keep, but I don’t hold others responsible for keeping my promises.

What are your thoughts about congruency, in life and in business? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment.

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1. Leaders Who Inspire Start with “Why”
2. 3 Ways Leaders Say More with Less
3. The Box and the Bucket: Metaphors for Managing
4. The Spirit of Personal Responsibility
5. Leadership Clarity: Facing Fears and Uncertainty