Feedback: Why Is Expressing Appreciation Hard?

By chipscholz | Published: January 26, 2012

Why is it that praising or expressing appreciation to people at work can be so awkward? Sometimes it can feel contrived, even disingenuous. Maybe we’re just not as good at expressing positive thoughts as we are negativity. Are we so entrenched in sarcasm and dark humor that the expression of authentic appreciation seems odd?

Tony Schwartz asks this question over on a Harvard Business Blog in a post called, Why Appreciation Matters So Much. There’s plenty of research that touts the benefits of a positive attitude at work:

  1. The single highest driver of engagement, according to a worldwide study conducted by Towers Watson, is whether or not workers feel their managers are genuinely interested in their well being. Less than 40 percent of workers felt so engaged.
  2. In one well-known study, workers who felt unfairly criticized by a boss or felt they had a boss who didn’t listen to their concerns had a 30 percent higher rate of coronary disease than those who felt treated fairly and with care.
  3. In the workplace itself, researcher Marcial Losada has found that among high-performing teams, the expression of positive feedback outweighs that of negative feedback by a ratio of 5.6 to 1. By contrast, low-performing teams have a ratio of .36 to 1. Read More »
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What Books or Blogs Influence Your Personal Leadership?

By chipscholz | Published: January 24, 2012

What books, blogs, speeches or newsletters made a significant impact on you and your personal leadership goals in 2011? How will they impact your goals for 2012? For me, books provide a continual guide to growing my personal leadership.

I asked this question over on LinkedIn Answers and got some great suggestions for books and blogs. I share some of the best with you here.

Priscilla Meckley-Archuleta:

Book: FYI – For Your Improvement. This book and the associated cards have provided a good way for me to assess my skills and outlined ways to improve those skills where I could improve.

Ryan Davies:

Actually mine came from Mike Tomlin, Head Coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. On a Monday Night Football game last year, he was asked the question before kickoff “What do you have to do differently in order to beat the Baltimore Ravens tonight whom you lost to earlier in the year?” Tomlin responded with “Nothing! We have the right plan and strategy in place. We just have to execute at a higher level!”

That quote always stood out to me when the “going gets rough”. I have to trust that I have the right plan and strategy in place and challenge myself to execute at a higher level. Too many people jump ship and try to change their strategy when they aren’t seeing immediate results. If they just gave it a little more time and effort, they would see the fruits of their labor!

David Kasprzak: Read More »

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Self-Compassion: Everyone’s Secret Strength

By chipscholz | Published: January 19, 2012

One of the advantages of executive coaching is that it provides a private opportunity to discuss things you wouldn’t bring up anywhere else. Sometimes clients reveal how harshly they judge themselves in our coaching sessions. It always surprises me, especially with some of the highly accomplished people I have the privilege of working with.

Young children do not appear to experience self-criticism. As we mature, however, we learn to over-think. We judge, compare, worry, blame, and obsess about faults. We want what we don’t have, and we forget to appreciate what we do have.

We lose patience with ourselves and others, and don’t accept things as they are. As we lose self-compassion, we also lose our compassion for others.

According to Wikipedia, self-compassion is compassion to ourselves in moments of perceived inadequacy, failure, or suffering. Self-compassion is composed of three components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

  • Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
  • Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
  • Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be “over-identified” with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions

What I see is that when someone applies a negative eye to themselves, it erodes their sense of intrinsic value and self worth. Unreasonable negative thoughts intrude into the mind like a snowball effect. It grows and forms background chatter that drowns out appreciation and enjoyment.

Conversely, when you are kind and understanding with yourself, you expand that same capacity for others. The best leaders I know are ones who have compassion for themselves and others while still holding a strong belief in quality performance. In fact, I believe compassion is a key strength in outstanding leaders.

And maybe that’s the problem or challenge with it. Maybe we get afraid that if we’re too kind and forgiving, we’ll have to drop our standards and accept mediocre. The real challenge is to demand the best of ourselves and others, and still find compassion.

What do you think about this?

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Self-Confidence: Everyone’s Secret Flaw

By chipscholz | Published: January 17, 2012

If you’ve ever worked with an executive coach, then you know what I’m talking about. In private coaching sessions, one of the biggest issues that comes up with clients, even for the smartest and most accomplished ones I work with, is lack of self-confidence. Just about everyone harbors self-doubt, even those who appear least likely.

Having confidence is a huge advantage in careers, life, and relationships. It’s the key to attracting the right job, the right people, the right decisions from others, and getting what one wants. I would venture to say that it’s key to personal leadership as it has everything to do with influencing others.

And yet, hardly anyone wants to admit they have self-doubts. In fact, with some of my clients you’d never guess they ever doubted themselves. They pour a lot of energy into covering up their self-confidence deficits. And often, this doesn’t work. Instead of coming across as authentic and real, they end up on the side of over-bearing and smug.

Like money, everyone wants more confidence. Some people naturally seem to have it; perhaps they were lucky and had the right kind of parenting. But most of us can point out parents, siblings, teachers and bullies who put chinks in our self-confidence armor. So what can you do if you want to improve self-confidence and ensure that you can tap into its power? Read More »

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5 Personal Leadership Questions to Ask Yourself

By chipscholz | Published: January 12, 2012

How can you tell if you need to change? You may be going along, doing alright, sans problems, but you know you could be doing better. If you want to keep your personal leadership skills honed, you’ll need to adapt quickly and continually to meet reality. What are five personal leadership questions you can ask yourself to find out where and how you need to adapt?

In reading up about what helps people change, I ran across some research from two years ago about why CEOs get fired. At first it seemed unrelated, but it’s not. Even if you’re not a CEO this study reveals a lot about human nature and how people fail in their jobs. Here’s an excerpt from the press release published by LeadershipIQ:

It’s a commonly held belief that CEOs get fired (or forced to resign or retire under pressure) because of “current financial performance.” But that’s wrong, according to a new study by LeadershipIQ.com.

It found that:

  • 31% of CEOs get fired for mismanaging change
  • 28% for ignoring customers
  • 27% for tolerating low performers
  • 23% for denying reality
  • 22% for too much talk and not enough action

The four-year study reported these results after interviewing 1,087 board members from 286 public, private, business and healthcare organizations that fired, or otherwise forced out, their chief executive.

I’m not sure how scientifically valid this study is, since the numbers add up to more than 100%, and “denying reality” is a bit vague, but I have no doubt “mismanaging change” is a major concern.

The key to personal leadership is to adapt yourself to meet the demands of current reality. Your personal leadership may be a natural strength for you, but you’ll still have to keep it strong. I think these make good questions for anybody working anywhere at any level: Read More »

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What… or Who…Would You Change in 2012?

By chipscholz | Published: January 10, 2012

I asked this question over on LinkedIn, “In your work, what’s one big thing you’d like to change in 2012?” I was expecting people to respond with their goals and plans for the coming year. I was a little shocked … most of the responses were from people who wanted to change their clients, their jobs, their boss …and the economy!

The responses seem to add up to the statement:  “We need to change, you go first!” My observation of people, institutions and things has been to the contrary.  Change begins with one’s self.  You may brand me as cynical for this, but I believe you can’t really change anything or anybody else without changing yourself first.  Other people and situations change as we change our thoughts about them. Everything else is fantasy and wishful thinking.

Let me give you a for instance.  I hear this phrase several times a day from several sources.  It is usually brought up to describe how well someone is doing. What is said is that they are doing pretty good  “in this economy.” In this economy? Really? I was just in Scottsdale in an iPic theater.  It is a movie theater with lounge chairs, pillows and blankets.  The tickets are $28 to sit all snuggled up with “free” popcorn and watch a movie. There were lines out of most of the restaurants, and the stores were doing a pretty brisk (for January) business.

We have been brainwashed into thinking that most things are outside of our ability to control.  Hence the phrase, “in this economy”.  It couldn’t be us, could it? See, what most politicians and the media don’t want you to know is that the economy is pretty much what it has been for a long time.

There are those people who make things happen, those who let things happen, and those who ask “What happened?!” Fix the economy? Why not fix yourself rather than blame other people, places and things for your lot in life.  MAKE THINGS HAPPEN!!! Read More »

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Resolutions: Self-Deception, Delusions, and Denial

By chipscholz | Published: January 6, 2012

We can be very clever human beings. When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, we are very good at self-deception, delusions, and outright denial. We are experts at excuse-making!

What happens when we come face to face with our own inconsistencies? It happens when broken New Year’s resolutions become far too apparent to ignore.

Or, it hits us when we say one thing to our kids, and an inner voice reminds us that we aren’t walking our talk. Or at work, we make a bold statement to our peers and feel that sharp twinge of guilty conscience and hypocrisy inside!

Most of the time we kid ourselves with a system of delusions and denial. We say we are one kind of person, while doing things that are contrary to our desired image.  We don’t do what we say.

Psychologists call it “cognitive dissonance,” a state of discomfort when we say one thing but do another. We go to great lengths to avoid that feeling, hence we construct an elaborate system of delusions, denial, and some behaviors we don’t even notice.

To face the fact that we aren’t acting like the person we believe we should be is painful and unpleasant. So we tell ourselves we don’t have time for all that introspection anyway. Negative emotions only get in the way of being productive. Instead, we need to focus on the tasks and goals at hand.

We live with our incongruities and denial, and our battling inner selves seem to be just part of who we are. We find a way to excuse ourselves. We are forgiving of our inconsistencies. We’re only human, after all.

That’s why it’s not wise to be your own coach. When you put yourself in charge of making changes, you’re also in charge of making excuses. Self-coaching is like the blind leading the blind. If you’re like any of my coaching clients, you already know how to make excuses and forgive yourself for your inconsistencies. In fact, you probably have a list of reasons you avoid working with an executive coach. (Read my post about that here!)

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Leadership Challenge: Be a Better Listener

By chipscholz | Published: January 4, 2012

A big leadership challenge is how to become a better listener. I hear this from my coaching clients: many of them are aware they don’t listen well. This may be because most top executives are highly goal-oriented and have a winner’s attitude. While that’s good for most things in life, it gets in the way of being a good listener.

Here’s what I mean by that: if you’re focused on what you need from the other person, and what you need them to understand. then you’re really not focused on what they need or what they’re saying. You’re not listening to them. You’re more interested in what you have to say. And that applies to both family situations and work. (Photo by Danilo Rizzuti)

In fact, when Marshall Goldsmith wrote his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, he made a list of 20 faulty habits that leaders engage in. About three-quarters of them contribute to or directly cause bad listening. Think about this: the best bosses are really good listeners. They “hear” what you have to say.

This is what I meant by “walking the leadership tightrope,” in a previous post. You can’t lead well if you’re a know-it-all, and don’t ask your people a lot of questions (and listen to the answers!)

The worst bosses don’t listen. They expound. They talk. A lot. Last week I got a Harvard Business Review tip about how to become a better listener. It’s a perfect example of a technical solution to solving the problem of listening. I’ll share it with you here, then tell you why I think the listening problem requires more than this, i.e., an adaptive solution – a change in mindset, not just a change in behavior.

The tip is titled Listen without Reacting: Read More »

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New Year’s Resolutions: A Hard Look at
Competing Commitments

By chipscholz | Published: January 2, 2012

One of my favorite books over the Holidays was Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization, by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey. Last week I mentioned it in regards to New Year’s Resolutions. The authors make a very clear case for a hard look at our competing commitments if we’re attempting to make changes.

It doesn’t matter if your goal is to lose 5 or 50 pounds, quit smoking or drinking, or become a better listener…New Year’s resolutions and other goals are hard to keep beyond the first month.

Why is that? Because the brain is tricky, and no matter how sincerely we want to break a habit, we have an immunity to change.

This immunity means that we are drawn back into doing what we’re used to doing no matter how strong our intentions. And yet, some people do succeed. We all know ex-smokers, ex-drinkers, and former fatties.

You can’t fix an adaptive problem with a technical solution. A diet is a technical solution to being overweight: eat less and exercise more. But the problem is greater than that. Unless you change your mindset (an adaptive solution), you won’t sustain new habits.

Einstein said that how you formulate a problem is just as critical has how you solve it. One of the biggest mistakes goal-setters make is applying a technical solution to an adaptive problem (according to Ron Heifetz, leadership professor). It doesn’t matter how much you change what you do, if you don’t shift the way you think, you’ll revert to doing things the way you always have.

To better understand this, I made up a grid based on the one Kegan and Lahey recommend people fill out, in order to formulate adaptive solutions to making a big change: Read More »

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Leadership Challenge: Immunity to Change

By chipscholz | Published: December 29, 2011

If you find change hard, you may yet underestimate how powerfully strong is the pull toward non-change.  As good as our intentions are, we don’t realize how strongly we hold onto competing commitments that prevent us from making real and lasting change. It’s as if we have an immunity to change.

Some of my coaching clients have brought up some goals they’d like to work on for the New Year. I personally find this a good time of year to review goals and pick one to work on a little more intensely than usual. So I went back and read a few of my favorite books about achieving goals.

One of the best is How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work; Seven Languages for Transformation by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey (Jossey-Bass, 2002). In this book they first introduced the concept of competing commitments.  They brought out a sequel in 2009, and it’s even better! It’s got one of the best grids for planning out a goal I’ve ever seen.

Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization, Harvard Business School Press, 2009. Here are a few comments and endorsements:

Review

…brilliant insights into the mysteries of the change process at the heart of personal and organizational success…Any leader seriously interested in developing new strengths in others — and in oneself-needs to read this book. –Daniel Goleman, author, Emotional Intelligence

Immunity to Change is a wonderfully original approach to a familiar problem: why many crucial change efforts fail. It shows how the core problems of resistance to change stem from the critical gaps between what is required and a leader’s own level of development. I know of no book that does a better job of helping leaders understand the commitment to change and how to put it into practice. –Peter Senge, author, The Fifth Discipline, and coauthor, The Necessary Revolution Read More »

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